HOW TO GET THROUGH TANTRUMS
Before, we learned that children tantrum for one of three reasons:
- to communicate
- in order to gain control
- to expel emotional energy
But once we know the why, how do we deal with them?
Tantrums are difficult to manage because they play into our own feelings. They make us feel out of control. Tantrums can trigger all of our insecurities as parents:
Parents,
Please do not shame yourself for this type of behavior.
Your child’s tantrum is not your fault!
But it is your responsibility to help guide them through. Here’s how.
LET’S SAY IT AGAIN…FIRST, BREATH!
Step one is to take a deep breath and check in on yourself.
Is this an emergency? Is anyone in danger?
If not you do not need the adrenaline that is likely surging through your body. Put aside self judgement. Ignore any onlookers. Take a deep breath and center yourself.
The message you want to give your child during a tantrum is this:
“I am here; I will not desert you. Neither will I be drawn into this drama or allow it to influence my decision-making.”
But how do we do that?
By addressing the three reason’s tantrums occur.
As I pointed out in this article, there are underlying reasons for why tantrums happen. Once we figure it out, we can give the appropriate response.
Scrambling for a response or reacting with our own emotions can sometimes make it worse.
For this reason, parents (I am no exception) sometimes become angry and punitive during tantrums. While this is understandable, it is not usually helpful and often can prolong the tantrum.
Let’s talk about four ways you can deal with it.
Communicate with Them
Let the child know they have communicated with you.
This is not the time to try to get him to use his words. Just let the child know that you see how they are feeling. And if you know what it is they want, convey that as well.
Simple statements like this are helpful:
“You are so mad – you want a cookie right now.”
“You’re really sad. You don’t want mommy to go out. I know that you want mommy to stay right here.”
When the main reason for the tantrum is to communicate, a little empathy can go a long way!
Be Firm
Let the child know you will not change your mind because of the tantrum.
When a child looks like they are heading for a tantrum and it’s their will against yours, you need to make a quick decision.
Is this worth going to the mat for?
Take a mental survey of all relevant information. What is the child trying to communicate? Does he have a point? Is there room for compromise?
If so, it’s fine to back peddle, admit your mistake, and see if you can work out a solution. Your statement to your child will be something like this:
“You’re right, I did say you could have the green cup next time. Let’s go get it.”
“I said no chips, but I forgot it’s already past your lunch time and we won’t be home for half an hour. I can see you are too hungry to wait.”
But there are times when you will need to stick to ‘no’ and the child needs to learn that tantrumming will not change the outcome.
In this case, do not negotiate, do not explain, and do not be drawn into endless rounds of “Why can’t I?” Just set the limit and hold it.
At the same time, accept and name the emotion being expressed.
Statements like this one are useful:
“You can be as mad as you need to be but the answer is still No.”
“I see how sad you are that we can’t stay longer, but we are leaving now.
Accept the need for release, within limits
Sometimes children tantrum because, like us, they are having a bad day. Or maybe a bad moment on an otherwise fine day, not because you are a bad parent.
Reminding yourself of this can help you stay calm and weather the storm. Accept that they may need emotional release by physical means.
Yelling, stomping and flailing about are all fine if not one is going to get hurt.
Sometimes it is necessary to set limits so the tantrum does not create safety hazards or interfere with other people unduly.
“I see that you are mad, but you may not yell at the table. It makes it hard for everyone to eat. You will need to leave the table until you calm down.”
“I know you are mad, but there is no screaming in the car. If you can’t calm down I will have to pull over until you stop.”
If you are in a restaurant or movie theater, take the child out. There are times and places it is simply not acceptable to carry on.
For some children, a time out in another room is helpful to complete the tantrum and return to a calm state. This is especially true if the child is over stimulated. For other children, separation during a tantrum causes heightened anxiety and serves to escalate the tantrum.
Be Available
I don’t like to give children the message that they are only acceptable when happy or calm. But if a time out is a useful tool for managing the overwhelm that comes with a tantrum, by all means, use it.
Then be available for reunion when the tantrum dies down.
Depending on the source and the meaning of the tantrum, the child may recover quickly and move on or need some reassurance and assistance. Some children like to be wrapped tightly in a blanket and held while they recover. Others just may want a few minutes of quiet, a brief hug or words of comfort.
We all communicate and receive love differently.
Learning what works for a child will help breakdown any barriers faced when comforting that child.
But what if it becomes chronic?
Take some action:
• Head over to the next article for guidance on tantrums that become more frequent and serious
• Book a free consultation with a play therapist and ask your questions
• Sign up for our upcoming free workshop and share YOUR story
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