What to Do When Your Child is Rude: My Most-Offered Advice

I often hear parents say things like “My child is so rude. You would not believe the things he says to me.”  Or,  ‘I would have never spoken to my parents this way.” “No matter what I try the problem just keeps getting worse. “

Hearing your child say these things can feel upsetting and embarrassing.  It leads parents to ask ‘What am I doing wrong?  Why is my child so disrespectful?”  And it leads to my most often offered piece of advice: “Ignore the language, speak to the feelings.”

This is true if your toddler calling you Poopie Head, your 8 year old is telling you to shut up, or your teen is telling you to F** Off. Ignore the hurtful, offensive language and speak to the feelings behind the words.  While it may be difficult to look past the words from the child you love in the moment, here is why it’s important in the long run.

It Side-Steps a Messy Power Struggle

One of the secrets to surviving parenthood is to not engage in power struggles you can’t win.   When you give a child a command you cannot enforce, you undermine your own authority and make future power struggles more likely. You can’t control the langue your child uses when upset, so it’s best not to try. This is especially true in the heat of an argument.  There may be some situations in which you have some leverage. If this is the case, go ahead and use it. 

For example, perhaps your child calls you a name while out to dinner. You could say “That is not language we use at a restaurant. If I hear that again we are leaving.” If your teen is disrespecting other players or coaches at sports practice, you could tell them “I will not allow you to speak with your coach and your teammates like that, practice is over for you.” 

But when it is just you and your kid, chances are you don’t have useful leverage to stop the behavior.  Punishments like threatened time outs or loss of screen time are rarely effective here. They may lead to more foul language as the argument heats up.  When you ignore the language, you take the power out of it.  This makes it a less useful tool if the child’s goal is to upset you. Over time, their use of this language will then diminish.

It Prevents Your Child From Changing the Subject

 Imagine this scenario:

Dad: It’s your turn to empty the dishwasher

Child: F** You

Dad: How dare you talk with me like that! 

The subject has now been successfully changed away from the chore. This may lead to yelling, a time out, or loss of screen time, but it is unlikely to lead to the dishwasher being emptied.  When you ignore the language and speak to the feeling, you keep the subject on the conflict at hand.

You are Modeling Language You Want the Child to Use When Conflict and Strong Feelings Arise

One reason rude language upsets parents so much is that it is far outside the norms of our own childhoods.  “I would have never spoken to my parents like that” translates to fear.  What we should be saying is “I would have been too afraid to say something like that to my parents.”

As we move away from fear-based parenting as a society, we need new skills and new strategies.  Instilling fear in a child is easy.  Teaching respect is much harder.  When we ignore a child’s rude langue and speak to their feelings, we are offering respectful language they can use later when conflict erupts again. 

So how does this sound instead?

3-year-old: You’re a poopie head

Parent: You are really sad I said no to another cookie

8-year-old: You are so stupid

Parent: You are angry I forgot to pick you up early

Teen: Shut the F** up

Parent: You are feeling overwhelmed.  You need me to stop talking right now

When you fail to take the bait of a child’s rude language,  you avoid a losing power struggle, keep the topic on the real conflict and model respectful language.  That’s a big win all around.

Want to discuss how you can implement these strategies? Schedule a consultation with me here.