For Safety’s Sake: How to Teach Bodily Autonomy to Your Child

Physical affection holds a high value and your family. You always greet and say good-bye to
one another with hugs, and sometimes kisses to the cheek. But tonight, when it’s time to say
goodbye, your child is balking and refusing to hug grandpa. This upsets you. Your child is
disobeying you and showing disrespect for a beloved family member. You want to insist “Just
go hug your Grandpa, what’s the big deal?” For you child’s safety, and the safety of others,
please don’t. Here’s why – and what to do instead.

One of the most important things we can do for our children is to teach them that their bodies belong to them alone, and they get to decide who touches them and when. When we insist our children hug or kiss someone when they don’t want to, we are teaching them to allow social expectations to override their own feeling about touch. This makes children more vulnerable to sexual exploitation now and in the future. When you allow your child to say ‘no’ to grandpa or auntie, or whomever they choose not to hug in the moment, you are teaching your child that NO has meaning. You’re teaching them that their wishes about their own body should be respected. Your child will carry this exception into other settings and feel more confident saying ‘No” when it may matter a great deal that they do.

Teaching your child that their body autonomy will be respected is also consistent with the message you are trying to teach about respecting others. “Keep your hands to yourself”, and “Don’t hit, pinch or otherwise touch people who do not want to be bothered,” will carry more weight when your child’s own wishes to touch or not be touched are respected.

Are there exceptions to this? Of course.  Here is an easy way to think about it. Touch between two people should happen when 1) they both want it or 2) someone’s health or safety is at risk.

Is it OK to grab your child’s arm to prevent them from running into the street?  Of course – their safety is at risk.

Is it to hold your child’s arm to prevent them from hitting you or someone else when they are having a tantrum? Of course, someone else’s safety and body autonomy is at risk.  

But when no short term health and safety risks are at play, please respect your child’s “No”. You are teaching them to expect respect with regard to their own body. By extension, you are teaching them to respect the bodies of others.

In the meantime, what do we do about poor Grandpa who just wanted a hug good-bye? How do you get out of this social situation with everyone’s self respect intact? First, let’s look at a few reasons your child might be rejecting that hug:

1. Your child is grumpy and out of sorts, and for some reason just doesn’t really feel like being touched right now
2. Your child is angry about something that occurred between him and grandpa and this is a way of expressing that feeling
3. They do not want to leave and is dragging out the good-bye ritual in hopes of being able to stay

This first thing to do when your child is refusing a hug is to offer an alternative.  ‘How about a high five?” “Would you like to blow him a kiss instead?” When your child is just not in the mood, this is likely to be accepted and a new way to say good-bye has been introduced.

If your child is upset with the person asking for a hug or upset about the idea of leaving the alternative good-by may also be rejected. That’s OK. You are teaching your child it is OK to express their feeling as long as no one gets hurt. Refusing to say good-by is a pretty harmless way for a young child to express their feelings.

So if your child still refuses, if they hang their head or hide behind you, offer a simple “maybe next time” and move the child toward the door.  You are letting them know that their bodily autonomy will be respected, but will not change the full outcome. It is still time to go.  Maybe next time they will make a different choice, but for now their choice has been respected. In the long run, that could make a world of difference.

Looking for more advice on integrating these concepts into your life? Schedule a consultation with me here.